Capitalist Nun

Who knew centuries ago when the first sister donned a habit that nuns in the modern age would become a business, the subject of latent Catholic angst or a worldwide pop culture phenomenom right up there with Andy Warhol (himself a devout Catholic)? As a business not only has it filled a few therapists' couches, but the amount of 'nun-o-belia' (copyright, ahem, pending) that I for instance have received over the years, is astounding. Just go to ebay and type in 'nuns' and see what you'll find. It's a wonder we still hold bake sales and church bazaars to raise extra funds. You think if we just did some paintings and signed them Sister Mary Patrick, like the painting elephants and babboons whose work has made its way into galleries, we could cash in and get better towels for the bathroom, or trade in those old lady automobiles for something a wee bit more sporty. I mean, we are nuns 24/7, but we do like to put pedal to the metal now and then. Actually, with the price of gas you may noticed some of us on the bus seat next to you or in the subways. Or if on the grand streets of New York, hailing a taxi. Believe me, no one can out-whistle a nun when hailing a cab!

Well, with that in mind we would like to thank our sponsors as you'll notice on the right side of the page. Who knows - maybe free tours of convents or trips to the Trappists breweries and other nun-such contests will be offered

Until next time...keep sending those cards and letters.

Sister Q, by the way has voted for Nun X to have her own column. We'll see if we can twist her habit.

Inspired by Nun X, New Follower Sister Q Joins the Flock

I have just recently found your website. What a breath of fresh air! It's so hard being a nun these days, everyone is expecting a habit and flying lessons. I, however, am firmly grounded and while I do not consume beer myself, I live in Vermont where the local sisters certainly appreciate their microbrews. Soon I'll be jetting off to England to begin more adventures of the finest order. My dream is to run into Sister Wendy in front of a David Hockney painting at the Tate Museum. That would be sublime! Thanks again for the wonderful site, keep up the great work and let's all get our praise on! - Sister Q

P.S. And yes, I was inspiredby Nun X!

Nun X replies...

I wish Sister Q luck in her travels. A quick tour of the ruined Cathederals dotted around that God forsaken land will be enough to make a good habit shudder. Since the locals had to be complicit in the wrecking of Glastonbury and many others by Henry the 8th
troupes, you would be well advised to hike your habit to your knees and possibly wear a chador.
NunX

Nun X Wonders About the Wisdom of a Pub Next to a Convent

What worries me is if some Puritanical Nun subspecies starts creating a fuss about 'a habit' walking home with a glass of Pomeroys Plonk after closing.

Nun X

http://artbymichele.blogspot.com/

Nuns in the News - How to Get Up for Early Morning Prayer if the Local Bar Wants To Stay Open till 2:00 A.M.

Dateline Britian: All the fun is in Europe I'm convinced what with most of these stories of dancing, drinking nuns, Trappist breweries and nuns holding up film shoots making their way into the news from across the pond.

Here you'll find the latest - http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-1750867,00.html - an article from the Times Online in which a group of nuns from a religious college are opposing a neighboring watering hole, the Golden Ball Pub that wants to extend its daily hours from 8:00 a.m. to 2:30 a.m. You know, normal pub hours. Apparently the nuns were recently serenaded in the wee hours by a "tipsy reveller" with a rendition of "Is This the Way to Amarillo?" Had the Brit nuns been a bit more "brilliant" shall we say, they would have responded with the Marty Robbins tune, "El Paso." What with all the singing a nun is required to do, a 'call and response' revelry could have taken place!

Will keep you posted on who wins this battle. My vote is to take a page from the Trappists ala 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.'

A Nun Revealed

For those of you who have wondered who I am or what I look like... here I am working on...The Worldwide Nun!

http://azercooldude.netfirms.com/pages/000018-Nuns_plus_Internet_equals_trouble.htm

Nuns in the News...again: Sister Mary Michael Knelt Down & Prayed for 12 Hours... count 'em

Sister Mary Michael has made the Hollywood news with her defiant 12-hour kneeling stint against the filming of 'DVC' (Da Vinci Code) at the Lincoln Cathedral that was apparently witnessed by Tom Hanks and the Sony film crew. Sister Mary Michael said that it only 'mattered what God thought, not what a film crew thought.' Loosely translated: she gave a 12 hour audition for a part in the movie in hopes to show that the long shooting days required to make such a film are face it, nothing to dyed-in-the-habit old timer nuns who spend hours prostrate in penance. And that it only matters what... Mr. Hanks thought of her knee bruising performance!

The Lincoln Cathedral was selected after being turned down by the Westminister Abbey where the book is originally set.

Read all about it here - http://www.thehollywoodnews.com/article/20080503.php

Nun X Weighs in on Nun Reprimanded

Sister Giddy-Up by Sister Michele - http://artbymichele.blogspot.com/

Multilingual Nun X who has traveled to various countries in her missionary work throws in a little Equestrian-speak as she weighs in on the Belgian nun. (and judging from her comment below she surely received her Masters at the Trappist Universities)

"Want hun geld is meer dan welkom."

That should teach them a lesson.
Nun X

Loosely translated: "Want him gelded for dancing weird with me."

Personally I think the Belgian nun was hoping for the opposite. But then as Mr. W.C. Fields said: Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Cool Nun of the Day - The Spirit Moved Her - Dancing Nun Gets Reprimanded!

Dateline: Belgium - In the throes of ectasy, no less during World Youth Day and seemingly appropriate with a 'youth,' a young Belgian nun whilst dancing was apparently overcome by the Holy Spirit and held on to her dance partner with heels locked firmly in place! Just as we used to do in the swingin' '70s before hanging up our roach clips and psychedelic t's and entering the convent. Though 'the spirit' moved this sister those 'earthbound' mortals, such as, Mother Superior, saw otherwise - http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9050471/

This was originally reported in Het Laatste Nieuws and though I couldn't find the picture of the Dancing Nun, I did find this interesting image that will just have to suffice and let's face it, is what the Mother Superior who reprimanded this nun thought might be the eventual outcome of her wild dancing - http://www.hln.be/hln/cch/det/art_113145.html

And is it any wonder that she is a... Belgian nun? No doubt one of the Trappist breweries was conveniently nearby. A good lesson for our youth because as W.C. Fields said, "The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive." At any rate, I'm going on CheapTickets.com to book the next flight over to Belgium. This poor dear will probably need some counseling. Viva la Trappists!

Stump a Nun - questions from the misinformed

Question for a nun,
Is organic wine associated with Jesus because he drank organic wine?
Sincerely,
Little Sister

Thank you for writing. However, nuns don't drink wine, only Trappist beer, which we spend much time studying for its character and special properties as Nun X has attested to in her contribution below. Perhaps though if you prayed more, Jesus would give you the answer.


Question for a nun,
Where is Lily's collar?
Confused,
Big Sister

Nuns can't see through walls nor in closed handbags. Only Jesus or Patrick Swayze's character in 'Ghost' can. However, look under your bed and see if it's around a dust bunny's neck.

Ask 'A Nun' A Question - queries from the flock - Is Thai Elvis in the House?

My nun question is: With the current dwindling numbers, will nuns start new ways to attract people into the flock? Beer bribes perhaps? :) Best, Traci

Dear Sister Traci,

Thank you for writing. There are actually more nuns than you think, it's just that the new modern day-millennium-sisters of the space age, as I like to call 'em, are 'out of habit,' thus harder to see in your everyday surroundings. But I can always spot 'em.

For instance, I was taken to The Palms bar (not the lobster restaurant of the same name on Sunset) on Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood, where there were a flock of women with short hair and obviously out of habit! They do this so that they can run around to bars undetected. I though came gliding through the wooden swinging doors in full regalia. ('Palms" is obviously a secret code name in reference to Palm Sunday) These 'out of wedlock 'er habit' nuns are so gleeful in their praise of JC that they were even dancing together in some cases. A few came up and asked to have their picture taken with me or for an autograph, as they claimed to have 'never seen a nun in a bar' before. I smiled and gave them a knowing wink, to which led one 'out of habit' nun start telling me her innermost secrets of -Saints Preserve Us- wanting to, well, 'bed a nun.' At first I played the naive holy card, hoping it certainly meant she wanted to perhaps be a maid in a convent and 'turn down the sheets' (to which she nodded vigorously...) or 'make the bed.' I told her to apply at the nearest convent. As I made my way out of this drinking establishment for 'out of habit' nuns in an obvious attempt to further hide her 'nun identity' she slapped me on the rear! Heavens! What these modern day, no-frills nuns go through to defy long standing tradition and hide who they really are. It's as if they borrowed a page from the Tom Cruise manual!

To that effect, and in answer to your last question, I was actually given I suppose what could be called a few 'beer bribes,' that certainly didn't hold a candle to the Trappists Beer (see early posting below re: Nuns & Beer) that I do partake in only, of course, when visiting the brewing monasteries in Belgium!

Until next time... Keep those cards and letters and prayers coming and... Keep your eyes off your neighbor's paper!

You were obviously at the wrong Palms. The Palms Thai Restaurant on Hollywood Boulevard (http://cityguide.aol.com/losangeles/dining/venue.adp?sbid=100059536) is a most uplifting experience with Thai Elvis (see above) in attendance nightly. You were getting 'palmed off' with this out-of-habit hole in the wall joint. With the illustrious Elvis in full white regalia, Saint Preserve Me herself would pass through the portals un-noticed.

Nun X

Every Now and Then Even a Nun Drinks a Beer - Answers from the Covenant

Beer is the great unifier as this other Sister relates:

Comment from Nun X (of a secretive order) :

Those Trappists make a mean liquor too. One night, as I sort refuge on my travels through lower Tuscany, cleverly disguised as a monk, in my hour of need, I knocked feverishly at the old wooden peep hole in the Monestry portal. Seeing the state of my poor robes, I was at once escorted to the holy of holies where a poor unfortunate was sprawled in penance on the distillery floor. As I crawled forward I dragged his body out of the way, and came to rest under the dripping tap of an oaken barrel. I was restored to my former self within moments, as a result of the miraculous brew. Herbs gently coaxed from their leafy bowers, and pressed with loving devotion into a liquor of life giving potency. I soon passed out from exhaustion and came to my senses the following day.

I can only raise my eyes in appreciation of this gift as I have been sworn to secrecy as to its location.

Nun X

Every Now and Then Even a Nun Drinks a Beer

The age old beverage, tea- (the drink, not the 'herbal substance' as the term was so finely bandied about in the '60s) -was my first introduction to what nuns like to drink. Whilst touring Western Samoa as a young girl, as we were Catholic, a barefoot nun in a white habit served as our host and drove us around to the various island convents. Western Samoa has the Queen on their currency and so, we were introduced to nuns who had...tea and crumpets every afternoon. (I can't remember if the British accent came along with those t & c's) By the last stop of 'oh my gosh, how delightful, tea & crumpets...again!' I was convinced that the cool island nuns not only got to run around barefoot, but just sat around having a natter and a cup of tea every afternoon.

But if one were to look back in the annals of history you would find that monks and nuns were the early pioneers of brewing....beer! Imagine having a beerstein of suds, a 'bloody pint,' a 'dang beer' with a flock of nuns! What with many of us that join the order of Irish, Latino and English descent, you can certainly say that beer drinking is an instilled part of our makeup!

Read about it at the link below where it refers to our early brothers and sisters as "beer saints" who promoted beer consumption among the malnourished! Hmm, you could say we were either partly responsible for starting a fat, couch potato society, or the genesis for AA....
http://www.allaboutbeer.com/features/226beersaints.html

As far back as 1677 "the nuns thirst got the better of them..." Idle time creates idle hands no doubt... and besides what was there to do back then? Read about it here -
http://www.upliftersspirits.com/story.htm


As a world traveler when the chips get low from our non-profit status, it's always good to have a 'road map' if you will, of the various orders to stop in and say hello (preferably not the 'tea & crumpets' orders). When in Belgium one must always have a holy visit to the Trappists, one of the most 'severe' orders of monks and nuns who are known for their finely brewed 'Trappist Beers.' Hmm, let's review 'severe.' When a monk gets out of line he has to go toil for hours in the brewery. I imagine more than a few monks are caught kneeling on one knee, skipping a prayer or two, or grabbing an extra piece of bread, in order to meet their fate! http://www.beer2005.be/langue/en/biere/Trappistes.htm


Belgium is home to, at last count, 12 Trappist abbeys, six for nuns and six for monks. One of my favorite stops is the Trappists in Orval as legend has it that Countess Matilda of Tuscany lost a gold ring in a lake and when it was brought to the surface by a trout, she thanked God by...endowing a monastery. And *praise Jesus* the monastery saw fit to start brewing beer, it is believed before the French Revolution. Either way, you can get lost in its history and if you get on a monk's good side he'll take you to where the real good stuff is down in the basement. But... we won't go there, verbally that is. Read all about the Trappists here by a 'real' Michael Jackson, a self-named 'beer hunter,' and one who chose to sample the brewskis around the world and not the, 'er children of the world shall we say. http://www.beerhunter.com/documents/19133-000221.html


And most all of the Trappist breweries are a hop, skip and a jump to a neighboring pub, one even run by the monks. How delightful! So, go wet your whistle at lunchtime and skip the tea and crumpets for now! Until next time...

Nuns in the News - When an old Nun can't accept that Jesus might have had a girlfriend.

And speaking of Irate Nuns, check out today's pick for "Nuns in the News" - http://www.earthtimes.org/articles/show/3817.html

One novel bandied about whilst in Rome and waiting for the white smoke to shoot out of the chimney, was most certainly The Da Vinci Code (or "DVC" if talking about it in mixed company) that suggests JC and MM had a trist of some sort. As Hollywood most certainly would come knocking as if a prostitute at a convention, the book was snapped up and the movie is being filmed right now in England. Well, rather filming is supposed to take place outside of Winchester Cathedral, 'er, the Lincoln Cathedral, however, Sister Mary Michael, a 61-year-old-nun is laying down across the pavement, when she' s not kneeling and bleeding at the knees, of course, in fervent prayer, and putting the brakes on the whole production! Sister takes great issue with DVC although admittedly she has not read it, calling it "an old error, derived from mystery faiths of the east."

The east, meaning New York Catholics, or the Eastside Catholics verses the Across the Pond Catholics? Such as the difference in the sounds of East Coast, West Coast rap? Or the 'mysteries' of Eastern religions? Gives one pause. Anyhow read about it at the above link. For more pressing stories, check out this link http://www.alertnet.org/thenews/newsdesk/N17249548.htm where you can join a vigil in support of "anti-war mom" Cindy Sheehan.

Until next time...

Old Pope, New/Old Pope, Irate Nuns in the News

Well! Finally back from ongoing vespers, around the world tour in mourning the loss of Ole Grandad, Papi, Pope J, Papa Jo' gone to the big chapel in the sky. As funerals and weddings bring people together, this was no different. I ran into every walk-of-life sister from around the world, some in habit, some not (oh these modern day nuns!), some in varying shades of blue, black and grey and one forest green nun as if she had visited a paint store on her way to receive her vows! Nuns in yellow from an ashram in Los Angeles, buddhist nuns (always the coolest in my book) - just a virtual nun-o-rama.

It was quite something to see Ole Grandad paraded around the city in his plastic coffin as if right out of a Faulkner story! And when the new man was elected to the throne, as if in a wedding, we were all brought right back together again. I think I had confetti in my eardrum for days and Lord knows, how much pollution we contributed to the earth's atmosphere what with all the black smoke when one cardinal I heard just couldn't make up his mind. Rumor has it the new Pope was picked in a Poker game. The Pope candidates faces were all laid out on the "face" cards and they sat down to a game of "Rome Hold 'Em" that brought the candidate forthwith! Well, one never knows does one? But these were the rumors flying about at breakneck speed on the grounds beneath the Vatican. I did get asked for my opinion now and then by the phalanx of reporters from around the world. Look for me in Italian People Magazine.