Novel Nuns...Literally

The publishing industry has produced a new subspecies of nuns, and quite a novel-ty - detective nuns! The competing sisters pictured here are Sister Joan and Sister Cecile, both obviously not satisfied with their chosen profession of daily prayer. Far too boring for these sisters who have taken to solving the latest murder! I can imagine what happens when Mother Superior turns the other way and these nun sleuths who pretend to be weeding the garden and/or going out for quiet meditation time...take off running to solve the latest crime! No doubt leaving a black sheet with a doll's head in their bed as a decoy. Imagine if we had these nun sleuths on the FBI or the CIA. No doubt we would have caught a few of America's Most Wanted by now including the latest elusive terrorists.

And Sister Mary Helen is also out there cracking the most pious of cases....
'The Missing Madonna,' 'Death Goes On a Retreat,' or my favorite, no doubt spicing up the most tedious novena...'Novena for Murder.'

If in your local bookstore, just look for the tiny nun on the spine of the book in the Mystery section.

And seeing as how this is a wide open field, let me weigh in with a few titles of my own.
Annoucing 'A Nun Mystery Series!'

'Cold Case Nun'
'X-Files Nun'
'CSI...Nun'
'A Nun Solves the Black Dahlia Murder'

or perhaps more subtle titles:

'Penance Takes a Back Seat'
'Sin Becomes Her'
'Resurrection Alley'
'Cracking the Covenant'
'Cold Case Convent'
'Death in the Chapel'
'Back Alley Confessions'
'Convent Coroner'
'Sin's A Beach'
'Mysterious Habits'
'Murder on the Sabbath'

And with a nod to James Bond:

'Never Say Nun Again'
'Nunfinger'
'From Rome With Love'
'Dr. Nun'
'The Nun Who Loved Me'
'A View to A Nun!'

What's that you sayMother Superior, Random House Publishing is on the line? Well, until next time...look for me on your bookstore shelves!

Ebay Nun Item of the Week

Attention all Catholic Ebay bidders -- Haunted Nun Doll claims to be haunted by a family's missing beloved nanny who flew the coop but...left her spirit inside a nun doll. Family member claims to have seen the nun doll smile at her even though the mouth painted on the face is in a different position. Special powers lurk inside this nun doll - she'll set straight even the most unruly children!

Hmm... think Twilight Zone. Or... could it be Mary herself tired of landing on grilled cheese sandwiches, found a doll to settle in comfortably and instead of scaring the poor believers in the world by appearing on a building or floating along in the air to poor peasant mountain children decided, 'well, I can just scare straight a few children and relax in the process!'

Bid now!

National Help Out A Nun Day

Being the Worldwide Nun
I have decided to declare Monday, Sept. 19 as National Help Out A Nun Day. Please go to your local convent and offer to weed the garden, or if you see us out and about in public life, carry the groceries to the car (what else do you ever see us doing unlike the movies where we're always involved in a bevy of activity), if you're Whoopi Goldberg, give us singing lessons, if you're Sidney Poitier, help us build a church, perhaps design us snappier habits if you're Mr. Blackwell. Or since we're a non-profit bunch, make a donation to our favorite charity. (A Nun, 333 Convent Way, Any State USA) And failing all that, if you see this group out on the high seas, perhaps point them in the right direction!

When Phallic Images Enter Well Meaning Spiritual Books

The whole title to this book is actually "After You've Blown It: Reconnecting with God and Others." Hmm, the Lord certainly works in mysterious ways when it came to time to plant 'the muse' as it were, into the cover art for this book. Talk about subliminal advertising! Alas...the cover has since been changed to a more respectable cliffhanger... Find the G-rated version at...where else?

Cool Nuns of the Day - helping out in New Orleans

Having spent many a Catholic holiday kickin' up my heels in the Crescent City, it has been all too devastating to see the wrath that has overtaken it and its people. That said and in short tribute - "one order of nuns coming right up" as the article published in the Shreveport Times (at the link below) says.

Nuns earlier this week were on their way to help out in New Orleans. Rolling up their sleeves, hiking up their habits - my vote for cool nuns of the day/week/month. So, bravo Sisters of St. Francis of Sylvania, Ohio.

Calling The Last Supper Party - Your Table is Now Ready!

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Does Anyone Remember the Pope in the Pizza?

Sightings of saints date back to the dawn of human imagination, my fondest one being ...Our Lady of Fatima! Here however are just a few of the more infamous sightings that gives one pause as to their choice of trajectories...

The infamous "Nun Bun" from 1996. Is it just an ordinary cinnamon bun, or... is it Mother Teresa? I'd opt for a manmade contraption as it appeared while she was alive, and well, she was less than amused when its image made its way onto t-shirts. (even though we did raise the necessary funds needed for new coffeemakers in the convent when we peddled our share!)

Father Guido Sarducci - did he ever find the Pope in the pizza? Here it looks as if the Pope himself is trying to find his image in some pizza dough, no doubt from the delicious Italian pizzeria down the street from the Vatican.

Mary was floating along and as what often happens to birds in flight with these glass mirrored buildings, well she just 'floated' right smack into it and got stuck there for several hours! Quite a colorful splat - a bit Peter Max-ish I'd say.

And certainly my favorite one that has made its way into our consciousness certainly whenever we make a grilled cheese sandwich! Mary, perhaps a bit hungry from all this flying around and/or as Mother Superior would have said, she's just running out of places to magically appear isn't she?!

More to come....

Say it isn't so! It wasn't raining...it was Lennon pissing from a window.

Well, the nerve! Here all this time we thought as the old saying goes - when it rains, it's the angels peeing from heaven. Well, looks like that time I was waltzing about in my old hood, that it was 'a god' of a different sort, Mr. Lennon peeing out his window on our flock. Imagine there is no heaven, indeed!

Well, as Mother Superior would have said no doubt, God rest her soul, - if someone is going to pee on you, it might as well be John Lennon! Read about it here...http://www.gigwise.com/news.asp?contentid=8323

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0670059544/qid=1126399572/sr=1-12/ref=sr_1_12/104-5783370-7129555?v=glance&s=books

Nuns & Movies Make Strange Bedfellows - Part One

With nuns bleeding at the knees in protest over the filming of the DaVinci Code, (or auditioning for a part in said movie - you decide) it's enough to make one wonder why. For the cinema has been one of the greatest plugs, and on the big screen no less, for our cause and life in the convent!

As a young novitiate in training, I was weaned on such cinematic treasures as... "The Sound of Music" (certainly the greatest nun movie of all time, if only for the scene of Mother Superior belting out "Climb Every Mountain" as you wondered, hello, how was the convent able to afford the orchestra backing you on this number? And, of course, a nun pulling plug wires out of the Nazi's car to help the Von Trapp family take off with their runaway nun, Maria and the fact that young novice nun Maria was able to be 'engaged' to both Jesus and Christopher Plummer - well that's a long road to go down for now); "The Singing Nun" (dominique, na nick na ni! and yes, like all good Catholic families we owned the soundtrack!); "Heaven Knows Mr. Allison" (where a castaway nun gets to hang out with hunky, occasionally unshaven, musky smelling Mr. Allison and finds herself eating raw fish. I wondered, is that what missionary work will ask us to do? And how can one hire "a Mr. Allison" to keep the fires burning if needed...); "The Trouble With Angels" (my vote for 'the' Hayley Mills movie, though she certainly gave us a lot of tricks to try on our nun teachers!); "Where Angels Go Trouble Follows" (Rosalind Russell reprises her role in this sequel to the aforementioned title, and no less as a sign of the times, taking the girls to California peace rally!). And in later years, "Sister Act" (with far too many memorable lines, the least of which Sister Whoopi's attempt at saying grace before dinner and what a nun choir really sounds like before a hip Las Vegas chick comes in to show them how it's really done. If only our church choir could afford to pay Whoopi her salary for music lessons...)

There are a couple of titles here that have escaped me. And I shudder to think what the two nuns on the cover of "Come to the Stables" are thinking! Perhaps Nun X might have a clue she being around stables and up to her habit in horse mucky muck much of the time. "Black Narcissus" - shant go there!

And all these are available, some as you shall see for 10% off, at Amazon.com!
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/listmania/list-browse/-/1B0NO8W6X06Z6/104-5783370-7129555

Well, sounding like perhaps one of those old nuns who is a wee bit winded from too much bending at the knees, hours of fervent prayer and/or turned out to pasture... Nun X has offered a comment re: the above --

As my good friends who make up, The Four Mounted Nuns of the Apocalypse, assured me, 'You better be wearing leathers when thundering down on some unsuspecting sinner in breach of one of the all encompassing commandments.'

Nothing like a good stirrup cup before heading out on one of those expeditions.

Nun X

Nun X Wonders About Blackfriars and Pomeroys

Pomeroys, 30 yards from Blackfriars Tube Station. Visiting Nuns sometimes confuse the Tube stop for a scenic Monastic sightseeing venue.

Nun X
http://www.elvino.co.uk/FAQS/xtraPages.asp?PG=c3

Picture of Nun Reprimanded at MSNBC.com

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9050471/ - She has been revealed! Take a look see at this photo of the nun reprimanded for dancing, or 'naughty nun' as MSNBC calls her. I must say that I'm quite impressed she was able to kick up her heels that high. She wasn't kidding!

Here are some other dancing nuns - though they must live on a farm with their jeans pant legs showing under their habits and all.

Until next time... if you're going to dance in the name of the almighty, just please don't get caught!

Capitalist Nun

Who knew centuries ago when the first sister donned a habit that nuns in the modern age would become a business, the subject of latent Catholic angst or a worldwide pop culture phenomenom right up there with Andy Warhol (himself a devout Catholic)? As a business not only has it filled a few therapists' couches, but the amount of 'nun-o-belia' (copyright, ahem, pending) that I for instance have received over the years, is astounding. Just go to ebay and type in 'nuns' and see what you'll find. It's a wonder we still hold bake sales and church bazaars to raise extra funds. You think if we just did some paintings and signed them Sister Mary Patrick, like the painting elephants and babboons whose work has made its way into galleries, we could cash in and get better towels for the bathroom, or trade in those old lady automobiles for something a wee bit more sporty. I mean, we are nuns 24/7, but we do like to put pedal to the metal now and then. Actually, with the price of gas you may noticed some of us on the bus seat next to you or in the subways. Or if on the grand streets of New York, hailing a taxi. Believe me, no one can out-whistle a nun when hailing a cab!

Well, with that in mind we would like to thank our sponsors as you'll notice on the right side of the page. Who knows - maybe free tours of convents or trips to the Trappists breweries and other nun-such contests will be offered

Until next time...keep sending those cards and letters.

Sister Q, by the way has voted for Nun X to have her own column. We'll see if we can twist her habit.

Inspired by Nun X, New Follower Sister Q Joins the Flock

I have just recently found your website. What a breath of fresh air! It's so hard being a nun these days, everyone is expecting a habit and flying lessons. I, however, am firmly grounded and while I do not consume beer myself, I live in Vermont where the local sisters certainly appreciate their microbrews. Soon I'll be jetting off to England to begin more adventures of the finest order. My dream is to run into Sister Wendy in front of a David Hockney painting at the Tate Museum. That would be sublime! Thanks again for the wonderful site, keep up the great work and let's all get our praise on! - Sister Q

P.S. And yes, I was inspiredby Nun X!

Nun X replies...

I wish Sister Q luck in her travels. A quick tour of the ruined Cathederals dotted around that God forsaken land will be enough to make a good habit shudder. Since the locals had to be complicit in the wrecking of Glastonbury and many others by Henry the 8th
troupes, you would be well advised to hike your habit to your knees and possibly wear a chador.
NunX

Nun X Wonders About the Wisdom of a Pub Next to a Convent

What worries me is if some Puritanical Nun subspecies starts creating a fuss about 'a habit' walking home with a glass of Pomeroys Plonk after closing.

Nun X

http://artbymichele.blogspot.com/

Nuns in the News - How to Get Up for Early Morning Prayer if the Local Bar Wants To Stay Open till 2:00 A.M.

Dateline Britian: All the fun is in Europe I'm convinced what with most of these stories of dancing, drinking nuns, Trappist breweries and nuns holding up film shoots making their way into the news from across the pond.

Here you'll find the latest - http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-1750867,00.html - an article from the Times Online in which a group of nuns from a religious college are opposing a neighboring watering hole, the Golden Ball Pub that wants to extend its daily hours from 8:00 a.m. to 2:30 a.m. You know, normal pub hours. Apparently the nuns were recently serenaded in the wee hours by a "tipsy reveller" with a rendition of "Is This the Way to Amarillo?" Had the Brit nuns been a bit more "brilliant" shall we say, they would have responded with the Marty Robbins tune, "El Paso." What with all the singing a nun is required to do, a 'call and response' revelry could have taken place!

Will keep you posted on who wins this battle. My vote is to take a page from the Trappists ala 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.'

A Nun Revealed

For those of you who have wondered who I am or what I look like... here I am working on...The Worldwide Nun!

http://azercooldude.netfirms.com/pages/000018-Nuns_plus_Internet_equals_trouble.htm

Nuns in the News...again: Sister Mary Michael Knelt Down & Prayed for 12 Hours... count 'em

Sister Mary Michael has made the Hollywood news with her defiant 12-hour kneeling stint against the filming of 'DVC' (Da Vinci Code) at the Lincoln Cathedral that was apparently witnessed by Tom Hanks and the Sony film crew. Sister Mary Michael said that it only 'mattered what God thought, not what a film crew thought.' Loosely translated: she gave a 12 hour audition for a part in the movie in hopes to show that the long shooting days required to make such a film are face it, nothing to dyed-in-the-habit old timer nuns who spend hours prostrate in penance. And that it only matters what... Mr. Hanks thought of her knee bruising performance!

The Lincoln Cathedral was selected after being turned down by the Westminister Abbey where the book is originally set.

Read all about it here - http://www.thehollywoodnews.com/article/20080503.php

Nun X Weighs in on Nun Reprimanded

Sister Giddy-Up by Sister Michele - http://artbymichele.blogspot.com/

Multilingual Nun X who has traveled to various countries in her missionary work throws in a little Equestrian-speak as she weighs in on the Belgian nun. (and judging from her comment below she surely received her Masters at the Trappist Universities)

"Want hun geld is meer dan welkom."

That should teach them a lesson.
Nun X

Loosely translated: "Want him gelded for dancing weird with me."

Personally I think the Belgian nun was hoping for the opposite. But then as Mr. W.C. Fields said: Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Cool Nun of the Day - The Spirit Moved Her - Dancing Nun Gets Reprimanded!

Dateline: Belgium - In the throes of ectasy, no less during World Youth Day and seemingly appropriate with a 'youth,' a young Belgian nun whilst dancing was apparently overcome by the Holy Spirit and held on to her dance partner with heels locked firmly in place! Just as we used to do in the swingin' '70s before hanging up our roach clips and psychedelic t's and entering the convent. Though 'the spirit' moved this sister those 'earthbound' mortals, such as, Mother Superior, saw otherwise - http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9050471/

This was originally reported in Het Laatste Nieuws and though I couldn't find the picture of the Dancing Nun, I did find this interesting image that will just have to suffice and let's face it, is what the Mother Superior who reprimanded this nun thought might be the eventual outcome of her wild dancing - http://www.hln.be/hln/cch/det/art_113145.html

And is it any wonder that she is a... Belgian nun? No doubt one of the Trappist breweries was conveniently nearby. A good lesson for our youth because as W.C. Fields said, "The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive." At any rate, I'm going on CheapTickets.com to book the next flight over to Belgium. This poor dear will probably need some counseling. Viva la Trappists!

Stump a Nun - questions from the misinformed

Question for a nun,
Is organic wine associated with Jesus because he drank organic wine?
Sincerely,
Little Sister

Thank you for writing. However, nuns don't drink wine, only Trappist beer, which we spend much time studying for its character and special properties as Nun X has attested to in her contribution below. Perhaps though if you prayed more, Jesus would give you the answer.


Question for a nun,
Where is Lily's collar?
Confused,
Big Sister

Nuns can't see through walls nor in closed handbags. Only Jesus or Patrick Swayze's character in 'Ghost' can. However, look under your bed and see if it's around a dust bunny's neck.