And They're Off! What happened when the umbrella opened and a huge gale force came by!

Who needs wings to fly indeed?! Apparently "the" King of the World blessed the sisters with the gift of flight! So, look up in the skies and if you see a black and white streak go by, try not to throw rocks at them!

Friday - Nun Fun Foto Time - "I'm King of the World!"

Well, the sisters apparently tired of playing croquet and horseshoes decided instead to play charades, this no doubt being the "I'm the King of the World" scene from "Titanic." Or perhaps she is imagining herself as the Flying Nun as she prepares to take flight, or that she'll get enough of gale force and float about as if she were Mary Poppins.

One thing is for certain, these sisters no doubt have been to a Trappist Monk's Brewery!

Who's Minding the Store? Ebay Nun Item of the Week

If one floats over to Ebay and just types in "nuns" there are always a plethora of items to choose from for the 'pick of the week.' Anything from Nun Vases, more nun movies, some a little on the 'blue' side (more on that later...), musical figurines, a playmobil (scare your baby!), Nunzilla, Nun Canape Plate Set ("a great gift idea!"), Circa 1900 Nun's Rosary (whose been robbing the gravesites?!) and several nun costumes which brings us to this week's pick....
3-piece Wet Look Naughty Nun Mini Costume!

Honestly, you lay people! Well, off for more prayer time. Besides everyone knows that we shower sans habits!

Beaned by a Fly Ball - Nuns Pray for White Sox in Chicago, While Natl Guard Join Nuns in Watch Over Ninth Ward

Well, if ever there were things to pray for, Lord knows we have a big enough list, just close your eyes and point to anywhere on the dossier and you'll find something significant to send you into vespers.... a trio of nuns in Chicago who have tix to Game 1 bequeathed to them by a benefactor are so excited they're praying for a White Sox victory! And mind you, this is neither in support of or against said team as I only pray to the Big Referee upstairs while the Sisters of Casimir are praying for a "divine intervention" for the 'end of October' (sports lingo schmingo).

Meanwhile the Washington National Guard has joined the Marianites of the Holy Cross (those are nuns to you lay persons) to watch over the Ninth Ward in New Orleans. When the flood waters came from Katrina, the Guard had to hole up in the convent and have since been living side by side with those lucky, 'er, sisters. The soldiers have talked about getting t-shirts with images of nuns in Army gear emblazoned with the slogan, "Nuns with Guns." (Oh dear, how tired is that as you'll see the above order has been sporting rifles for years) But as one of the good sisters said, "We're a non-violent order."

Hmm... now if I had my holy druthers would I want to be out at a baseball game sitting next to persons who obviously spend too much time in front of a bag of potato chips, fondling a Budweiser, slouched-on-a-couch with a remote, screaming, yelling and tossing, no doubt, their beer cups at me, the said penguin sticking out like a sore thumb (though with what you all wear these days to sporting events, blue painted faces and the like, perhaps I wouldn't be too, too obvious)... or... sharing my convent confines with some, well, you know, well-made, defined physical examples of God's creatures, that is men!? Hmm.... tough choice!

Well, guess I should go pray for my sinful thoughts. Until next time... you can read about the lucky Ninth Ward Nuns at Google.com/news.

When the Saints Go Marching In, or When Nun X Spends Too Much Time on the Freeway

Our favorite mentally roving reporter, Nun X always has the most unique take on most any subject be it, Monk breweries, Pomeroys, or politics, and can erect an easy bridge between all three leaving you in her wake as you scramble for a comeback. Sit for a few hours with Nun X and she'll mix up a blender full of stories including one about her days in a dusty car cruising through Morocco. These tales usually told while the Stiff Pickle Orchestra spins in the background.

Once again as you'll read in her posting below, Nun X has designed a unique thoroughfare between recent Pope pronouncements, the Los Angeles Freeways, old St. Nick and the California tradition of naming a road or a locale after a saint.

Without further ado...

Dateline: Los Angeles, Subject: Nun X incensed

I've been backed up to the third rib with indignation about the latest Popeist commandments. Anyone who has driven up the 101 will have noticed the list of Saints male and female littering the Camino Real:

Santa Monica,
San Fernando
Santa Claus
Santa Barbara...

Hold on, Santa Claus? Is there a mistake? Could this be a protest from the Northern Tribes as they trudged along under the tyrannical thumb of the tonsilled few on their journey north? Innocent fun. 'Here Lads just add an A, for a bit of fun.'

One is lead to consider that the Good Santa himself may infact have been Mrs. Claus in disguise. Perhaps to cover up a pregnancy in front of the children, Santa Claus was given a big belly. Mayhaps the only disguise left to the Pregnant Bearded Lady appearing at some Victorian frollick. A left over from the days of misrule and Pagan Yule tide logs. Or Pantomime, with its good spattering of Cross Dressers and the Widow Twankie snapping garters and fondling beard as she cavorted before the Gas Light stage. The Principal man in fair maidens bloom would not have raised an eyebrow at the honorable Santa Claus as he/she cavorted amongst the young ones.

So Pop(e) old girl, what about it? Remember the Lady in that position, and reinstate her image on the wall in honor of our dear Santa Claus.

Gays in the Belfry and tipple in the Hall.
I say, let them lie where they will....one and all.

Nun X

Nun Toys...What On Earth Will You Lay People Think of Next? (pun intended!)

Well who would have thought when the first sister donned a habit that eventually it would spark a whole market of nun toys? It's bad enough to receive Nun greeting cards on birthdays and holidays, as if I needed to be reminded that I am indeed a nun, but now to have seen the bevy of nun toys from puppets to windup toys and now, the ultimate in poor taste created by a man obsessed with sounds from his orifice... I kid you not...the Farting Nun Organ! And this man no doubt lives next to a Trappist Brewery as it comes from the UK. One can only imagine how this idea was dreamed up. No doubt over a few pints whilst yucking it up in said pub. But... as there is much to be troubled about in this world ... and to each his own...and we are to spread some good cheer, and if you're into this sort of thing, then go to the link below and watch this trio of nuns "fart" their way through a few numbers.

And for when the conversation starts to wane at the dinner table as you discuss 'the great accomplishments of Dubya,' here's a sure fire winner to liven things up... a nun puppet, also known as "the boxing nun."

And perhaps the other dinner party guests could also have the "fingerpuppet nuns" as party favors and join on the fun. Then a group therapy discussion could ensue in which you speak through the nuns, quite like the Holy Spirit might speak through you if you prayed more often... and then tell each other exactly what you think of them. Or just have a puppet show and sing your way through the "Sound of Music" soundtrack, using the silverware and glasses as percussion instruments.

And for the truly dispossessed that had rather traumatic encounters with us in the classroom, you can relive those warped scenarios by winding up little Nunzilla and watch her trot around the room spitting sparks of fire.

Honestly! What will you lay people think of next? I shudder to think! Well, off to the Nun Toy Factory, 'er, that is, prayer hour. Until next time...

Halloween Is Coming. Gee, I Wonder What Costumes the Lot of You Will Choose?

"Halloween" is a bastardized version of "Allhallow's Eve," or defined by Princeton.edu as "the day before All Saint's Day, often devoted to pranks played by young people."

I first got my feet wet as a nun by, yes, I have to admit, dressing up as a Nun one Halloween when I was a wee-novitiate-in-training. Naturally being part of a Catholic family on a layman's salary, I had to be inventive and transformed a sibling's black graduation gown into a habit. Throw in my First Holy Communion rosary and some white linen from the linen drawer and voila! I could have walked into the convent at my local parochial school and had a meeting of the minds with the Philadelphia penguins, i.e., the sisters, not a home team of any sort. Oddly enough it inspired my brothers to do the same. (they didn't become priests, but seem to have retained an odd fascination as they approach middle age even, for the trumpet sounds their orifice can create after a night of eating Mexican food)

Strange things can happen when "a nun" child shows up at a door searching for candy (and certainly prepares you for the begging and life of poverty you take up as the real deal) or an adult attends a booze-laden Halloween party.

Whilst perusing for some such stories to forewarn all you playful souls about the dangers of parading as a wanna-be nun on Halloween, I chanced upon this story, in three parts no less, at the Revolution Pollution blog site. Quite a story this blogger has to tell with the quotable quote, "I must say I look ravishing as a nun if a nun can look ravishing." Chapter One of this harrowing story -- "The Nun Who Drank Too Much." Chapter Two - "The Nun Who Drank Too Much, Pt. 2" and the grand finale, "The Nun Goes to Court."

Let me perhaps provide you with this visual, if this story doesn't scare you enough. If the Nun shenanigans get out of hand and you are a "she," you could end up in the pokey, and we all saw what happened to Linda Blair in "Born Innocent." (made me never want to 'sweep' again, if you catch my holy drift) If you're a "he," well, does the phrase, "wearing your boxers backwards?" mean anything to you? Let's just say 'a he-nun in a pokey, is surely to get it. Okie dokie?'

So, if any of you wannabes need advice on your nun regalia that you'll be trouncing around in on Halloween, send me a picture and we'll post it for all the web world to see.

Until then, those readers in the U.K. can find the above costume at the partydomain.co.uk

Cheerio!

Godspeed at the Horse Races

http://houseofboo.com/nuns.htm

It appears the Little Sisters of the Poor have seen the light having suffered enough bake sales, rummage sales (the worst!), sewing underwear such as the Nuns of St. Claire did in the movie, "Rebecca," to finally put their hopes on a far better meal ticket... a thoroughbred. (And I certainly don't mean a hunky farmhand!) Donated to the good sisters they are putting the racehorse, up for auction and then will reap from the proceeds every time he crosses first at the finish line.

What's next? Nuns opening casinos? I say, take a page from the Trappists monks and nuns and open a stateside-nun-run-saloon and/or brewery. Take your pick!

And now a bit of horse humor...

The nuns at a small convent were happy to learn that an anonymous donor had left his modest estate to them. Each nun had been left $50 in cash to give away as she saw fit. Each nun announced how she would spend her bequest. Sister Catherine Ann decided to give her share to the first poor person she saw. As she said this, she looked out the window and saw a man leaning against the telephone pole across the street, and he indeed looked poor. She immediately left the convent and walked toward the man. He had obviously known better days. The good nun felt he had been sent by Heaven to receive her offering. She pressed the $50 into the man's hands and said, "Godspeed, my good man." As she left, the man called out to her, "What is your name?" Shyly, she replied, "Sister Catherine Ann."

The following evening, the man returned to the convent and rang the bell. "I'd like to see Sister Catherine Ann," he said. The nun at the door answered, "I'm sorry, but I cannot disturb her right now. She's in the chapel. May I give her a message?" "Yes," said the man gleefully. "Give her this $100 and tell her Godspeed came in second at Belmont."

Calling Katie Holmes... Save Yourself, Join the Convent Now!

My, my, my if ever a poor dear needed rescuing, and as the Whoopster's character in Sister Act hid out in a convent from the mob, for the sake of escaping the trainwreck-de-la-Cruise, Miss Katie Holmes please run to your nearest costume shop, purchase a nun's habit (discounts aplenty with Halloween around the corner) and knock on our convent door for immediate entrance! We're the next best thing to, ahem, Holmes for Unwed Mothers, and we'll even watch junior or juniorette, when you go to work everyday.

We held a bake sale, announced it at mass, raffled off Sister Divinia's big screen TV (since being 92 she sleeps through most of the day and is 'nun' the wiser...), sold chocolate bars, and raised I believe enough money to somewhat match the salary you surely must have been paid for your performance-of-a-lifetime in the I'm Tom Cruise's Wife movie that will screen at the current running time of the next... five years.

So, you have your choice Miss Holmes.... one of these images could be you!

Novel Nuns...Literally

The publishing industry has produced a new subspecies of nuns, and quite a novel-ty - detective nuns! The competing sisters pictured here are Sister Joan and Sister Cecile, both obviously not satisfied with their chosen profession of daily prayer. Far too boring for these sisters who have taken to solving the latest murder! I can imagine what happens when Mother Superior turns the other way and these nun sleuths who pretend to be weeding the garden and/or going out for quiet meditation time...take off running to solve the latest crime! No doubt leaving a black sheet with a doll's head in their bed as a decoy. Imagine if we had these nun sleuths on the FBI or the CIA. No doubt we would have caught a few of America's Most Wanted by now including the latest elusive terrorists.

And Sister Mary Helen is also out there cracking the most pious of cases....
'The Missing Madonna,' 'Death Goes On a Retreat,' or my favorite, no doubt spicing up the most tedious novena...'Novena for Murder.'

If in your local bookstore, just look for the tiny nun on the spine of the book in the Mystery section.

And seeing as how this is a wide open field, let me weigh in with a few titles of my own.
Annoucing 'A Nun Mystery Series!'

'Cold Case Nun'
'X-Files Nun'
'CSI...Nun'
'A Nun Solves the Black Dahlia Murder'

or perhaps more subtle titles:

'Penance Takes a Back Seat'
'Sin Becomes Her'
'Resurrection Alley'
'Cracking the Covenant'
'Cold Case Convent'
'Death in the Chapel'
'Back Alley Confessions'
'Convent Coroner'
'Sin's A Beach'
'Mysterious Habits'
'Murder on the Sabbath'

And with a nod to James Bond:

'Never Say Nun Again'
'Nunfinger'
'From Rome With Love'
'Dr. Nun'
'The Nun Who Loved Me'
'A View to A Nun!'

What's that you sayMother Superior, Random House Publishing is on the line? Well, until next time...look for me on your bookstore shelves!

Ebay Nun Item of the Week

Attention all Catholic Ebay bidders -- Haunted Nun Doll claims to be haunted by a family's missing beloved nanny who flew the coop but...left her spirit inside a nun doll. Family member claims to have seen the nun doll smile at her even though the mouth painted on the face is in a different position. Special powers lurk inside this nun doll - she'll set straight even the most unruly children!

Hmm... think Twilight Zone. Or... could it be Mary herself tired of landing on grilled cheese sandwiches, found a doll to settle in comfortably and instead of scaring the poor believers in the world by appearing on a building or floating along in the air to poor peasant mountain children decided, 'well, I can just scare straight a few children and relax in the process!'

Bid now!

National Help Out A Nun Day

Being the Worldwide Nun
I have decided to declare Monday, Sept. 19 as National Help Out A Nun Day. Please go to your local convent and offer to weed the garden, or if you see us out and about in public life, carry the groceries to the car (what else do you ever see us doing unlike the movies where we're always involved in a bevy of activity), if you're Whoopi Goldberg, give us singing lessons, if you're Sidney Poitier, help us build a church, perhaps design us snappier habits if you're Mr. Blackwell. Or since we're a non-profit bunch, make a donation to our favorite charity. (A Nun, 333 Convent Way, Any State USA) And failing all that, if you see this group out on the high seas, perhaps point them in the right direction!

When Phallic Images Enter Well Meaning Spiritual Books

The whole title to this book is actually "After You've Blown It: Reconnecting with God and Others." Hmm, the Lord certainly works in mysterious ways when it came to time to plant 'the muse' as it were, into the cover art for this book. Talk about subliminal advertising! Alas...the cover has since been changed to a more respectable cliffhanger... Find the G-rated version at...where else?

Cool Nuns of the Day - helping out in New Orleans

Having spent many a Catholic holiday kickin' up my heels in the Crescent City, it has been all too devastating to see the wrath that has overtaken it and its people. That said and in short tribute - "one order of nuns coming right up" as the article published in the Shreveport Times (at the link below) says.

Nuns earlier this week were on their way to help out in New Orleans. Rolling up their sleeves, hiking up their habits - my vote for cool nuns of the day/week/month. So, bravo Sisters of St. Francis of Sylvania, Ohio.

Calling The Last Supper Party - Your Table is Now Ready!

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Does Anyone Remember the Pope in the Pizza?

Sightings of saints date back to the dawn of human imagination, my fondest one being ...Our Lady of Fatima! Here however are just a few of the more infamous sightings that gives one pause as to their choice of trajectories...

The infamous "Nun Bun" from 1996. Is it just an ordinary cinnamon bun, or... is it Mother Teresa? I'd opt for a manmade contraption as it appeared while she was alive, and well, she was less than amused when its image made its way onto t-shirts. (even though we did raise the necessary funds needed for new coffeemakers in the convent when we peddled our share!)

Father Guido Sarducci - did he ever find the Pope in the pizza? Here it looks as if the Pope himself is trying to find his image in some pizza dough, no doubt from the delicious Italian pizzeria down the street from the Vatican.

Mary was floating along and as what often happens to birds in flight with these glass mirrored buildings, well she just 'floated' right smack into it and got stuck there for several hours! Quite a colorful splat - a bit Peter Max-ish I'd say.

And certainly my favorite one that has made its way into our consciousness certainly whenever we make a grilled cheese sandwich! Mary, perhaps a bit hungry from all this flying around and/or as Mother Superior would have said, she's just running out of places to magically appear isn't she?!

More to come....

Say it isn't so! It wasn't raining...it was Lennon pissing from a window.

Well, the nerve! Here all this time we thought as the old saying goes - when it rains, it's the angels peeing from heaven. Well, looks like that time I was waltzing about in my old hood, that it was 'a god' of a different sort, Mr. Lennon peeing out his window on our flock. Imagine there is no heaven, indeed!

Well, as Mother Superior would have said no doubt, God rest her soul, - if someone is going to pee on you, it might as well be John Lennon! Read about it here...http://www.gigwise.com/news.asp?contentid=8323

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0670059544/qid=1126399572/sr=1-12/ref=sr_1_12/104-5783370-7129555?v=glance&s=books

Nuns & Movies Make Strange Bedfellows - Part One

With nuns bleeding at the knees in protest over the filming of the DaVinci Code, (or auditioning for a part in said movie - you decide) it's enough to make one wonder why. For the cinema has been one of the greatest plugs, and on the big screen no less, for our cause and life in the convent!

As a young novitiate in training, I was weaned on such cinematic treasures as... "The Sound of Music" (certainly the greatest nun movie of all time, if only for the scene of Mother Superior belting out "Climb Every Mountain" as you wondered, hello, how was the convent able to afford the orchestra backing you on this number? And, of course, a nun pulling plug wires out of the Nazi's car to help the Von Trapp family take off with their runaway nun, Maria and the fact that young novice nun Maria was able to be 'engaged' to both Jesus and Christopher Plummer - well that's a long road to go down for now); "The Singing Nun" (dominique, na nick na ni! and yes, like all good Catholic families we owned the soundtrack!); "Heaven Knows Mr. Allison" (where a castaway nun gets to hang out with hunky, occasionally unshaven, musky smelling Mr. Allison and finds herself eating raw fish. I wondered, is that what missionary work will ask us to do? And how can one hire "a Mr. Allison" to keep the fires burning if needed...); "The Trouble With Angels" (my vote for 'the' Hayley Mills movie, though she certainly gave us a lot of tricks to try on our nun teachers!); "Where Angels Go Trouble Follows" (Rosalind Russell reprises her role in this sequel to the aforementioned title, and no less as a sign of the times, taking the girls to California peace rally!). And in later years, "Sister Act" (with far too many memorable lines, the least of which Sister Whoopi's attempt at saying grace before dinner and what a nun choir really sounds like before a hip Las Vegas chick comes in to show them how it's really done. If only our church choir could afford to pay Whoopi her salary for music lessons...)

There are a couple of titles here that have escaped me. And I shudder to think what the two nuns on the cover of "Come to the Stables" are thinking! Perhaps Nun X might have a clue she being around stables and up to her habit in horse mucky muck much of the time. "Black Narcissus" - shant go there!

And all these are available, some as you shall see for 10% off, at Amazon.com!
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/listmania/list-browse/-/1B0NO8W6X06Z6/104-5783370-7129555

Well, sounding like perhaps one of those old nuns who is a wee bit winded from too much bending at the knees, hours of fervent prayer and/or turned out to pasture... Nun X has offered a comment re: the above --

As my good friends who make up, The Four Mounted Nuns of the Apocalypse, assured me, 'You better be wearing leathers when thundering down on some unsuspecting sinner in breach of one of the all encompassing commandments.'

Nothing like a good stirrup cup before heading out on one of those expeditions.

Nun X

Nun X Wonders About Blackfriars and Pomeroys

Pomeroys, 30 yards from Blackfriars Tube Station. Visiting Nuns sometimes confuse the Tube stop for a scenic Monastic sightseeing venue.

Nun X
http://www.elvino.co.uk/FAQS/xtraPages.asp?PG=c3

Picture of Nun Reprimanded at MSNBC.com

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9050471/ - She has been revealed! Take a look see at this photo of the nun reprimanded for dancing, or 'naughty nun' as MSNBC calls her. I must say that I'm quite impressed she was able to kick up her heels that high. She wasn't kidding!

Here are some other dancing nuns - though they must live on a farm with their jeans pant legs showing under their habits and all.

Until next time... if you're going to dance in the name of the almighty, just please don't get caught!