Shroud of Turin or Jesus dish towel?

Well, in an attempt to prove that the blessed Shroud of Turin is no more real than our convent's Jesus dish towels, an Italian scientist claims to have recreated the said dish rag, using the same material available back in them Biblical times.

Next thing you know they'll claim that our Last Supper Lunchboxes were not made in the good ole US of A, but in China by Buddhist monks.

It isn't everyday your founder will be CANONIZED by THE POPE

This just in:
San Pedro Nuns Celebrate a Saint
"Their order's founder will be canonized at the Vatican next week. Thanks to their fundraising a local contingent will be there.
Organizing a country western hoedown was a first for the nuns. So were the carne asada sale and trips to the casino." -- Los Angeles Times (10/04/09)

Hi ho Sisters!

Nun Joke of the Week

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened by the beer, wine and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached across the counter and grabbed a bag of pretzel sticks and placed it with the beer, saying, "The curlers are on me."

A Nun's Work is Never Done, But She Does Vacation in the Summer

Well I've been flying around to other, 'er blogging type communities, and as well as Rome, our favorite Trappist breweries, and thought I'd share a picture from my vacation.

Jesus has risen... and he's coming to get you!

Well, and I myself, a nun, am back from the dead so-to-speak after attending my Easter observances over in La Roma.

All my travels will be detailed in the next entry, but until then, what with the DaVinci Code going forth as a movie, the constant shenanigans on Capitol Hill, our own VP's random version of a drive-by shooting, and just Soddom & Gommorah in general, you bet ole JC is up and looking for you!

Boxing Nun Puppet Incites Rioting by Local Nuns

Associated Catholic Newswire: Angry protests over the sale of the popular "Boxing Nun" puppet at local area "joke" shops in Los Angeles, have incited non-stop rioting by local nuns. In Hollywood, dozens of nuns marched through parts of the city looting, carrying tiki torches and signs declaring, "Rap the Knuckles of the One Who Makes Fun of the Nun!" and "Nuns are Sisters of God, Not Fighters!" and "Wacko's Making Money off of Free Speech Rights!"

In Pennsylvania, long known as the largest "nun state," burning effigies of the Boxing Nun were erected as various orders, including the sequested Carmelites, even ventured out on the streets after dark to protest.

In Europe, maintaining a more peaceful stance, several nun orders held candlelight vigils while Trappist monks served free beer in an effort to maintain calm, among the more older, unruly sisters. One nun cried out, "See! We drink beer! We're not all bad!" Skinhead punks holding nun puppets and wearing Charlie Don't Surf and Jews for Jesus shirts, surrounded the nuns and taunted, "take a puppet and fight back!"

In Hollywood a local joke shop owner released the statement, "The Boxing Nun has long been one of our biggest sellers. I'm not sure what all the fuss is about as we also having a Boxing Rabbi and a Boxing Satan. So, we certainly don't have anything against anyone, and besides, the Boxing Nun is funny. "

Additional reporting by: Sister Q in Britian.

Dominque a Nicque a Ni... The Singing Nun...

Well I'm sure this fine singing sister had no idea the many outlets her music would take when she first "cut tracks" for her vinyl album (look it up in the encyclopedia kiddies) that yielded a Number 1 Hit on the charts in 1963 keeping, the rock song, "Louie, Louie" from reaching that coveted position. Now available on CD and the ultimate tribute, you can listen to her while at work as she streams on the World Wide Web at... http://musicsojourn.com/AR/oldies/page/s/SingingNun.htm

This singing Belgian nun was also known as Soeur Sourire ("Sister Smile") and resided at a Dominican convent when she hit it big. Certainly a forward thinker and a product of the free-wheelin' '60s this rebellious nun of the '60s wrote a song praising God for the invention of The Pill. Saints preserve us! Sadly, this gal we could have used around today, decided to take the shortcut to heaven when this rock and roll stage we call "earth" proved too much for her when the Belgian government came a' knockin' for back taxes from unpaid royalties. Like a good nun, Sister Smile had donated those royalties to her convent.

See the sanitized version of her life as portrayed by Debbie Reynolds.

Oprah on Letterman! See... World Peace is Possible?

Well what a time we are living in. Saddam is captured whilst living in a hole, then gives us entertainment during his courtroom appearances where he admonishes the judge, Osama a man in a WHITE robe in a GRAY/BROWN desert...can't be found, Californians figure out that 'hey maybe hiring an actor to be the Governor wasn't such a good idea,' ole Grandad, Papi passes away and we get an even more...conservative Pope, Nuns are subjects of mystery novels, hold up film shoots and announce The DaVince Code "blasphemous," Trappist monks have breweries... where was I? And yes, 16 years after her last appearance on Letterman, Oprah last night in full regalia with a sort of-gushing Dave sits down in the guest chair! And apparently from the picture above they seemed to have made up and made out after the show!

Uma, Oprah, Uma, Osama, Saddam, Uma, Oprah... as Oprah said, "will you tell me what the feud was about?" (or something to that effect) asking the question of the decade that gee, was sure on my mind every night. That and "what is Katie Holmes thinking??"

And... on the "television event of the decade," Oprah shared her story that when she was a little girl one Christmas they were so poor her mother said that Santa Claus wouldn't make it to their house that year. However.... two nuns showed up with a gift basket and food on Christmas Eve! So, see all is well and there is a happy ending at least in a parallel universe, that is on TV land...

http://www.makestickers.com/letterman.asp - for more Oprah/Dave fun

Well There Goes the Neighborbood

Ye ole grandad, The Pope, said that gays were not allowed to be priests, not saying if he was going to give the boot to those who are that are currently serving. Or... they can't be priests if they have been sexually active as a gay man in the last six months? Hmm, are lie detector tests around the corner?

Well dearies, there go the once full rectories with many having their trajectories paved for them.

In the Spirit of the Holiday -- The Thanksgiving Day Murder...

Well, as I get ready for the Thanksgiving holiday around the convent, cleaning up around the dining area, peeling potatoes, shopping, oh forever shopping for enough to feed a small convent and a local rectory, I came across this mystery novel, "The Thanksgiving Murder: A Christine Bennett Mystery." Why you ask? Well, yes on Thanksgiving we certainly "murder" enough things to put on ye ole dinner plate, but that wasn't the reason for this tantalizing selection.

As it turns out the main character of the book, detective Christine Bennett Brooks is a policeman's wife and... a former nun!

Adding her to the honorary list of nun sleuths out there chasing murderers and no doubt lousing up a few crime scenes worthy of a retrial once it goes to court.

Which just goes to show that this detective-former-nun-sleuth obviously is planning on going out to eat as it begs the question... where on earth this week did she find the time to chase after a Thanksgiving murder?

For this tantalizing story and to revisit the Thanksgiving Masacree, ala Arlo Guthrie's "Alice's Restaurant," see... where else? Ye ole' Amazon.com

Vows - A Priest, A Nun & Their Son!

At last I know I have a chance! Hmm, wonder if there's a party at the rectory tonight?

12 Angry Men and A Nun?

I think not! If you were on trial would you want a nun on your jury? Sure, it could go either way - you could get an old nun who nods off a lot, a battle ax nun who would see the word "sinner" emblazoned on your forehead no matter what you do, or a sweet nun that is loving, good and kind and... "can be a fair and impartial juror."

Yes this nun was finally snagged for jury duty after years of being, and still, under the duress of extreme financial hardship. Unfortunately that "excuse," ahem as they call it, is no longer allowed. Hence leaving a lot of jury duty notices found in the trash bins. But being a Catholic nun you are automatically born with a guilty conscience and more importantly afraid of getting the cuffs slapped on you and having to go downtown to a facility where several nuns in waiting are residing, if you catch my drift.

While they have relaxed the jury selection system and you only serve for one trial whereas before in this county they'd cart you around for ten days (at then $5.00 a day)... it is still a system of "the luck of the draw" - where you sit and wait and hope NOT to be called. First you are greeted by a courthouse employee in the jury waiting room who asks, as if a carnival barker, "okay if you have your pink form, yes your pink form, that's right your pink form, did you need me to say it again?, your pink form, if everyone has their pink form..." Ad infinitum and ad nauseum! After the rigmarole of the Pink form, the Green form, fill this out, did you want to postpone your service, any questions and various other "greetings" such as a retired judge who welcomes you and thanks you for wanting to do your "civic duty," while there's a bubble over your head that says, "I thought I'd get arrested if I didn't come down!" .... Then 12 names are called out and assigned to a courtroom. One lucky group came back just as they had entered and was told the case was tossed out! So off they went, not to be bothered another year for jury service.

They do show a video of how the jury selection works and how much fun you're supposed to have and how a lot of jurors stay in touch afterwards.... what? Is there a "I was a Juror chatroom" that you can go and read about all of their get togethers?? Or wedding announcements that read, "met while serving on a jury..." Well, after reading the newspaper, having coffee, losing myself in a book, (one gets used to sitting and reading, the best part of jury duty) and making sure I had picked a novel that liberally bandied about words concerning fornication, (well, lest I be accused of being a sleeping nun as I certainly didn't want to nod off), I lost the luck of the draw and was assigned to another courthouse the following day. On the upside once assigned we were allowed to leave and report back for duty the next morning at the more Protestant hour of 10:00 a.m. rather than the bleeding Catholic hour that morning of 7:30 a.m.

The other courthouse was not as much fun as the previous - several floors that all looked the same, sterile walls and what is it with our legal system that these courtrooms have no pictures? Imagine if those pictures you see in offices, "Strive for Success," "Reach Your Goals" or "There's no I in Team," were displayed? It would at least give one something to look at rather than the $500 suited lawyers and high salaried judge as you thought, "hmm, and we're getting $15 a day plus 34 cents a mile! Yes! I do want to be here! It is my civic duty!" Hell! I can make that much during our weekly bingo game!

Well, this nun was never interviewed as 11 jurors were picked, but then there was that pesky 12th one that kept getting tossed. Such invasive questioning by the lawyers, all the while with smiles permanently ingrained across their cheeks. "So do you feel you might harbor any grudges against the nature of my client's business?" Oh no, only the fact that I'm here making $2.50 an hour and wondering if you lawyers are going to spring for lunch!

Finally near the zero hour the 12th juror was selected and one alternate, and I was thankfully never picked to be on the jury. But my dear friends of the flock, it was a harrowing experience. Makes one want to go work overseas where those PINK jury duty notices will never find you!

Until next time... fly low and avoid the radar!

Halloween - Sinners the Evening of and the Morning After

Well, I wasn't wrong when I wondered aloud what costume the lot of you would choose. Herewith are some samples of your versions of nuns and the interesting company you keep.

And They're Off! What happened when the umbrella opened and a huge gale force came by!

Who needs wings to fly indeed?! Apparently "the" King of the World blessed the sisters with the gift of flight! So, look up in the skies and if you see a black and white streak go by, try not to throw rocks at them!

Friday - Nun Fun Foto Time - "I'm King of the World!"

Well, the sisters apparently tired of playing croquet and horseshoes decided instead to play charades, this no doubt being the "I'm the King of the World" scene from "Titanic." Or perhaps she is imagining herself as the Flying Nun as she prepares to take flight, or that she'll get enough of gale force and float about as if she were Mary Poppins.

One thing is for certain, these sisters no doubt have been to a Trappist Monk's Brewery!

Who's Minding the Store? Ebay Nun Item of the Week

If one floats over to Ebay and just types in "nuns" there are always a plethora of items to choose from for the 'pick of the week.' Anything from Nun Vases, more nun movies, some a little on the 'blue' side (more on that later...), musical figurines, a playmobil (scare your baby!), Nunzilla, Nun Canape Plate Set ("a great gift idea!"), Circa 1900 Nun's Rosary (whose been robbing the gravesites?!) and several nun costumes which brings us to this week's pick....
3-piece Wet Look Naughty Nun Mini Costume!

Honestly, you lay people! Well, off for more prayer time. Besides everyone knows that we shower sans habits!

Beaned by a Fly Ball - Nuns Pray for White Sox in Chicago, While Natl Guard Join Nuns in Watch Over Ninth Ward

Well, if ever there were things to pray for, Lord knows we have a big enough list, just close your eyes and point to anywhere on the dossier and you'll find something significant to send you into vespers.... a trio of nuns in Chicago who have tix to Game 1 bequeathed to them by a benefactor are so excited they're praying for a White Sox victory! And mind you, this is neither in support of or against said team as I only pray to the Big Referee upstairs while the Sisters of Casimir are praying for a "divine intervention" for the 'end of October' (sports lingo schmingo).

Meanwhile the Washington National Guard has joined the Marianites of the Holy Cross (those are nuns to you lay persons) to watch over the Ninth Ward in New Orleans. When the flood waters came from Katrina, the Guard had to hole up in the convent and have since been living side by side with those lucky, 'er, sisters. The soldiers have talked about getting t-shirts with images of nuns in Army gear emblazoned with the slogan, "Nuns with Guns." (Oh dear, how tired is that as you'll see the above order has been sporting rifles for years) But as one of the good sisters said, "We're a non-violent order."

Hmm... now if I had my holy druthers would I want to be out at a baseball game sitting next to persons who obviously spend too much time in front of a bag of potato chips, fondling a Budweiser, slouched-on-a-couch with a remote, screaming, yelling and tossing, no doubt, their beer cups at me, the said penguin sticking out like a sore thumb (though with what you all wear these days to sporting events, blue painted faces and the like, perhaps I wouldn't be too, too obvious)... or... sharing my convent confines with some, well, you know, well-made, defined physical examples of God's creatures, that is men!? Hmm.... tough choice!

Well, guess I should go pray for my sinful thoughts. Until next time... you can read about the lucky Ninth Ward Nuns at Google.com/news.

When the Saints Go Marching In, or When Nun X Spends Too Much Time on the Freeway

Our favorite mentally roving reporter, Nun X always has the most unique take on most any subject be it, Monk breweries, Pomeroys, or politics, and can erect an easy bridge between all three leaving you in her wake as you scramble for a comeback. Sit for a few hours with Nun X and she'll mix up a blender full of stories including one about her days in a dusty car cruising through Morocco. These tales usually told while the Stiff Pickle Orchestra spins in the background.

Once again as you'll read in her posting below, Nun X has designed a unique thoroughfare between recent Pope pronouncements, the Los Angeles Freeways, old St. Nick and the California tradition of naming a road or a locale after a saint.

Without further ado...

Dateline: Los Angeles, Subject: Nun X incensed

I've been backed up to the third rib with indignation about the latest Popeist commandments. Anyone who has driven up the 101 will have noticed the list of Saints male and female littering the Camino Real:

Santa Monica,
San Fernando
Santa Claus
Santa Barbara...

Hold on, Santa Claus? Is there a mistake? Could this be a protest from the Northern Tribes as they trudged along under the tyrannical thumb of the tonsilled few on their journey north? Innocent fun. 'Here Lads just add an A, for a bit of fun.'

One is lead to consider that the Good Santa himself may infact have been Mrs. Claus in disguise. Perhaps to cover up a pregnancy in front of the children, Santa Claus was given a big belly. Mayhaps the only disguise left to the Pregnant Bearded Lady appearing at some Victorian frollick. A left over from the days of misrule and Pagan Yule tide logs. Or Pantomime, with its good spattering of Cross Dressers and the Widow Twankie snapping garters and fondling beard as she cavorted before the Gas Light stage. The Principal man in fair maidens bloom would not have raised an eyebrow at the honorable Santa Claus as he/she cavorted amongst the young ones.

So Pop(e) old girl, what about it? Remember the Lady in that position, and reinstate her image on the wall in honor of our dear Santa Claus.

Gays in the Belfry and tipple in the Hall.
I say, let them lie where they will....one and all.

Nun X

Nun Toys...What On Earth Will You Lay People Think of Next? (pun intended!)

Well who would have thought when the first sister donned a habit that eventually it would spark a whole market of nun toys? It's bad enough to receive Nun greeting cards on birthdays and holidays, as if I needed to be reminded that I am indeed a nun, but now to have seen the bevy of nun toys from puppets to windup toys and now, the ultimate in poor taste created by a man obsessed with sounds from his orifice... I kid you not...the Farting Nun Organ! And this man no doubt lives next to a Trappist Brewery as it comes from the UK. One can only imagine how this idea was dreamed up. No doubt over a few pints whilst yucking it up in said pub. But... as there is much to be troubled about in this world ... and to each his own...and we are to spread some good cheer, and if you're into this sort of thing, then go to the link below and watch this trio of nuns "fart" their way through a few numbers.

And for when the conversation starts to wane at the dinner table as you discuss 'the great accomplishments of Dubya,' here's a sure fire winner to liven things up... a nun puppet, also known as "the boxing nun."

And perhaps the other dinner party guests could also have the "fingerpuppet nuns" as party favors and join on the fun. Then a group therapy discussion could ensue in which you speak through the nuns, quite like the Holy Spirit might speak through you if you prayed more often... and then tell each other exactly what you think of them. Or just have a puppet show and sing your way through the "Sound of Music" soundtrack, using the silverware and glasses as percussion instruments.

And for the truly dispossessed that had rather traumatic encounters with us in the classroom, you can relive those warped scenarios by winding up little Nunzilla and watch her trot around the room spitting sparks of fire.

Honestly! What will you lay people think of next? I shudder to think! Well, off to the Nun Toy Factory, 'er, that is, prayer hour. Until next time...

Halloween Is Coming. Gee, I Wonder What Costumes the Lot of You Will Choose?

"Halloween" is a bastardized version of "Allhallow's Eve," or defined by Princeton.edu as "the day before All Saint's Day, often devoted to pranks played by young people."

I first got my feet wet as a nun by, yes, I have to admit, dressing up as a Nun one Halloween when I was a wee-novitiate-in-training. Naturally being part of a Catholic family on a layman's salary, I had to be inventive and transformed a sibling's black graduation gown into a habit. Throw in my First Holy Communion rosary and some white linen from the linen drawer and voila! I could have walked into the convent at my local parochial school and had a meeting of the minds with the Philadelphia penguins, i.e., the sisters, not a home team of any sort. Oddly enough it inspired my brothers to do the same. (they didn't become priests, but seem to have retained an odd fascination as they approach middle age even, for the trumpet sounds their orifice can create after a night of eating Mexican food)

Strange things can happen when "a nun" child shows up at a door searching for candy (and certainly prepares you for the begging and life of poverty you take up as the real deal) or an adult attends a booze-laden Halloween party.

Whilst perusing for some such stories to forewarn all you playful souls about the dangers of parading as a wanna-be nun on Halloween, I chanced upon this story, in three parts no less, at the Revolution Pollution blog site. Quite a story this blogger has to tell with the quotable quote, "I must say I look ravishing as a nun if a nun can look ravishing." Chapter One of this harrowing story -- "The Nun Who Drank Too Much." Chapter Two - "The Nun Who Drank Too Much, Pt. 2" and the grand finale, "The Nun Goes to Court."

Let me perhaps provide you with this visual, if this story doesn't scare you enough. If the Nun shenanigans get out of hand and you are a "she," you could end up in the pokey, and we all saw what happened to Linda Blair in "Born Innocent." (made me never want to 'sweep' again, if you catch my holy drift) If you're a "he," well, does the phrase, "wearing your boxers backwards?" mean anything to you? Let's just say 'a he-nun in a pokey, is surely to get it. Okie dokie?'

So, if any of you wannabes need advice on your nun regalia that you'll be trouncing around in on Halloween, send me a picture and we'll post it for all the web world to see.

Until then, those readers in the U.K. can find the above costume at the partydomain.co.uk

Cheerio!